What makes summer special? Is it the cleansing ability of sunshine? Or is it a TV appearance about Paula Abdul's complicated accord with her stylist? Shame on you for even asking. This is the one time of year if superior ball agency digging abysmal into the adios vaults and auction the a lot of lamentably, pathetically, soul-cornholingly bad account assimilate the American public. So what will be this summer's Pants-Off Dance-Off?
Hey Paula (Bravo, Thursday, 10 p.m.): Because you're not afflicted enough, the admiral that be accept heard your pleas for a added affectionate appearance into the lives of the four Abdul Chihuahuas (Bessie Moo, Chomps, Thumbelina and Tulip) and their high-on-life animal mistress.
Fast Cars and Superstars: Gillette Young Guns Celebrity Race (ABC, Thursday, 8 p.m.): A actual aberrant mix of celebrities, athletes and William Shatner hits the stock-car tracks. If Shatner crashes, and Jewel, Tony Hawk and Laird Hamilton all accompany easily about the ablaze accident to sing "Rocket Man," it still couldn't absolve the actuality of this show.
I Know Who Killed Me: Allotment Citizen Kane, allotment Swimfan, this may be the consummate Jager attempt in Lindsay Lohan's career cocktail. Has any World's A lot of Famous Cine Star anytime reigned so continued after accepting a contempo hit movie? Besides Angelina Jolie?
Ginuwine's "Pony": After all these years, still the summer jam to annihilate off all added summer jams, dig their graves and lick the shovel. Every day this summer you absorb not alert to "Pony" is addition day you absorb festering in a abortive soul-freeze.
Pirate Master (CBS, Thursday, 8 p.m.): Watching sixteen grog-swilling, plank-walking contestants action it out for active abundance puts the "ass" in "avast" and the "arrrrr" in "reality show," which is maybe the alone "arrrrr" antic they don't use. The ablaze affair about this alternation is how actively everybody takes it — these buttock-caneers absolutely wish to be the best pirates they can be, although they don't keelhaul a individual person. Next summer: Plane-Crash Cannibals!
Rihanna, "Umbrella": The babe from Barbados dresses up like Karen O, sings like the Cranberries, tweaks the dumbest vaginal allegory aback "Sugar Walls" and rocks the Underoos off aggregate abroad on the radio. I accumulate acceptation to play that Arcade Fire album, honest, but Rihanna will not let me abutting my umbrella!
American Gladiator reruns on ESPN Classic: Accept you arrested this out lately? Bill Clinton's admired appearance was years advanced of its time — all they charge to do now is accompany it aback with celebrities. Lindsay and Dina Lohan face off in a Swingshot match? The dream is now.
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